Image Details

7thWave AI Assistant

I have taken to a brave new world – one where I leave my 20 year marriage and start to lean into a truth about who I am and how I want to live my life.

So here’s the headline.

I don’t want to be monogamous.

It doesn’t work for me. It never has. And even when I have been deeply in love, I have desired others. As if one really has nothing to do with the other.

I also don’t want to cheat, live a life of dishonesty or live outside of my integrity.

So – what to do? Be single forever? It’s an option I guess. I’d always believed it was wrong to want other people so maybe I shouldn’t be in a relationship? And then I found a new way – of being, identifying and loving.

Being polyamorous.

But Hang on - let’s stop for a minute and go back.

(For some reason, I always seem to find it far easier to start in the middle of this story than at the beginning).

How did I get here?

I guess with everything I know now, I was non monogamous from being around 18.

Close family members I loved and respected very deeply, were in love connections, outside of their marriages (i.e. having affairs). I got the impression from some conversations around the dinner table that my grandfather – who was seen as notoriously successful and smart– had affairs. So amongst the adult males I was taught to live up to, this all seemed part of life. And to be honest, even at that young age, I could see for my relatives, their extra connection was bringing them joy and happiness – love; where perhaps they weren’t experiencing love in the marriage. What on earth was wrong with more love coming their way?

I also had an early experience of being cheated on. It was my first love – I was 18, and had just gone away to University. I met a boy, Jackson, back home during the Christmas holidays and we quickly fell for each other. However, on one of the weekends I stayed at Uni, he slept with another girl from the local pub. He told me the next time we got together – I didn’t feel any anger or hurt about it. I guess, we were quite new into our relationship but I was in love with him, even at that point. But him sleeping with some girl I didn’t know, really seemed to have very little to do with me. I asked him if he wanted to see her again and he said no, he just wanted me. So I moved on. No biggy. Nothing to see.

I wish I’d known at that early age, what that meant for me. I was not monogamous.

It wasn’t until two years ago that I started to realise this way of being is actually an identity – or some call it a life choice. (Another interesting topic to explore there).

I’d never heard of polyamory until my friend used the word casually about my sexual identity. “I’m poly – what now?”

Then I started exploring and researching.

So, what is Polyamory?

The Oxford Dictionary describes it as follows:

1. “the practice of engaging in multiple romantic (and typically sexual) relationships, with the consent of all the people involved.

And the relationship counselling service, Relate describe it like this.

“An openly non-monogamous, or polyamorous, relationship is one where partners agree to be together and are open and honest with each other about other partners or relationships they have.”

So basically, it is a way of loving and being in relationships that takes away exclusivity. And with full transparency. Those are the two lynchpins of the poly way.

As I have tried to explain it to people, I think it is such a mind blower, because of the ingrained social conditions and rules we all hold about relationships. I’ve had questions like, ‘Well, how can that possibly work?’, and, ‘I couldn’t bear the thought of my partner being with another or even looking/ desiring another because it would mean he doesn’t want me.’

And let’s not even get started on the misogynistic views I’ve come up against – “Polyamory is bullshit Helen, there are other words for woman like you”. Again, one for another day. Carrying shame for this life choice is definitely a thing I am dealing with.

So, back to the values and belief set. Let me explain something about how I am wired and what I believe because I think when that is clearer, the poly choice is clearer.

I don’t believe in ‘the one’.

I think it is a helluva lot of pressure on one person to be everything to another. It’s not practical. And we don’t operate this way in our friendship groups. I have a grid of friendships and every girl in that group is unique and brings something different to our dynamic and mine to hers. I see my romantic relationships and girl friendships as very closely aligned – there isn’t much to separate them. I’m just not sexual with my gals.

I don’t believe we belong to each other

There’s a lot of language in relationships about ‘you are mine’ and ‘I am yours’. Frankly, I find it a bit possessive and suffocating. And really, if you think about it, a lot of the arguments against poly come from a place of fear and insecurity. “He likes someone more than me.” or, “I’m not enough for her”.

I hold a belief that we are all free spirits in the world and should be able to freely connect and be intimate with each other without fear or insecurity. Another person’s actions doesn’t have to be about us. Or something lesser in us. I wonder if monogamy is comfortable because it equals control and safety? Which, let’s be honest, are often illusions anyway.

Exclusivity is not a marker of commitment.

This is a big one that for me, that makes poly fall into place and was the core belief that meant I wasn’t upset about Jackson cheating. I didn’t feel his sexual actions that night, were related to his commitment and desire or love, for me. He was just having a fun night. Out on the town. I really hope he had fun and a lovely sexual experience with her. That aside, I believed he wanted me and that was all that mattered. I think this is the hardest one for people to get their heads around. We are so ingrained that exclusivity to each other’s bodies is the marker of love and long term commitment. How about if it just an act of connection, love and joy and we lose the other baggage?

And then, this one…

I am enough

How about if Jackson’s actions that night were also in no way related to my self-worth or being enough for him or anyone else? I truly believe I am enough in a sexual and intimacy space. I’m a good partner, a good lover, I look after myself. I am kind and giving. If my lover goes elsewhere – it’s not because I’m less. It’s because of the connections and experiences HE wants to have. Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean zero jealously – I am human after all. But intrinsically, it isn’t personal if he has needs outside of what I can give.

So, I’m going to keep exploring this way of being. And sharing my stories with you.

I would love you to join me in this. I will be posting a new Blog every week and am currently working on my Podcast which I hope to launch in the early Autumn.

Please subscribe to my Blog posts here or register your email to get an early bird listen to the new Podcast coming soon.

Or find me on Instagram -  @the_UK_poly_pal - where I share regular personal thoughts and snippets from other poly communities that I follow.

Bye for now.